Even though I’ve come so far… I’m still a phantom… Counting Stars.
The bar…
Isn’t getting any lower, I think I’ve just been in denial of the fact that noone will ever impress me as much as she did. Not even in the “Oh shit n****, she bad as f***!” kinda way, but more like the, “I didn’t even know people like you existed in the world!” type ish. For most girls the confidence is there, but the substance is always lacking. Me personally, I’ve always been the champion of humble confidence, one based on things that aren’t skin deep. “Oh, your ____ is/are so beautiful!” — “Yeah, it’s not that special…”. I’m not. Though once there was someone who thought I was. And for all of the right reasons, to me at least. It wasn’t from the way my eyes glimmer when it’s dusk, or the way my muscles tense when I… digress. She appreciated and understood all of the stupid idiosyncrasies that most people would never take the time to even notice. She was observant, patient, calculating. If she wasn’t such a con-artist I would still probably be wrapped around her little finger to this day, but such is love when you wear your heart on your sleeve and you still try to ball in a game you don’t really belong in. Now don’t get me wrong, there’s no bad blood to be had. I grew out of that ish when I realized that being pissed off and depressed about it wont bring me that love back, and that focusing your attention on being angry takes away from something else you could be preparing yourself for. I just notice that I’m picking at straws now. And that all the people that I find myself attracted to offer me absolutely nothing as far as my realistic bar is set. Some come close in my shallow pursuit of a good time, but fall far short when it comes to being able to keep up with my intellect, wit, and overall demeanor. I’m more complicated than I put on. There’s a staggering level of depth there that you couldn’t possibly fathom. The closest thing most people get into a slight touch of insight into my head is by what stupid little verses and stanzas I post here and there on FB. My bottled emotions and thoughts spilling out onto parchment, ink drying where blood should probably be.
And such is the nature of this post. I never use my Tumblr for it’s intended purpose, or at least what I assume is it’s intended purpose… Reposting cool shit you find through other people because you can’t come up with anything interesting enough to catch people’s attention on your own. Living interesting lives vicariously through people you’ve never met and garnering attention based on other people’s interpretation of how you portray someone else’s ideas to the people that follow you… but I digress. I use this as an outlet to dump some of the chaos out of my head when I don’t feel like being cool and dropping lyrics so that you can rap them wrong. Before I was a writer I was an author, a storyteller. People say I can capture them with my tongue… wait. Phrasing… Words always came easy to me. Apparently I have enough of a way with them to make people like you even bother to continue reading up to this point, so when I actually take the time out of my seemingly busy-but-not-really schedule to actually put something up on here then it’s safe to assume that it’s going to be well put together. Or so one would think. And yeah, I know that was probably the biggest run-on sentence in the world but it got the point across. And I’ve gotten off topic again.
Basically what this post is all about is my attraction to people that in all honesty aren’t worth the attention. It’s just so f***ing hard these days to find anyone with some actual substance that you end up getting complacent with people being mediocre but pretty. I want to find the pretty witty chicks. The one that’s sex appeal isn’t in her bedroom eyes, her v-neck dip, or the way her hips switch. I want that all to be there of course, but I want her to be able to move me. To challenge me. Don’t make it so f***ing easy all the time. Arouse something in me other than just a libido. Make yourself truly worth the effort of being pursued. And if you possess some of the qualities that I’m talking about? STOP DATING F*** BOYS! And I know that’s one of the most disrespectful things you can call a man, but if all of your glory is going to waste on someone that you know in your heart of hearts isn’t ever going to be shit? You’re f***ing ruining it for the men that are only looking for girls like you. Don’t become that n****’s wifey until you have his last name. Quit playing house while he gives you that title as a false sense of security for a dude that’s never really going to MARRY you. I’m just sayin’… You’re worth so much more than you give yourselves credit for. If you’re stupid, you’re stupid. But if you dumb yourself down for any reason other than to talk to your 6-year-old niece? You’re doing it wrong. A lot of girls think they have to dumb themselves down in order to get guys to feel them. I’m sittin’ here wondering why they don’t take a second and force those dumb ass dudes to step up themselves and prove that their worth of making the cut. And before you get to thinking that I’m on some self-righteous women’s rights and I’m betraying the game and some dumb ish like that, just remember that I’m a man too, and I have my pride. And I personally want to marry a woman that will complete me, and accept me in all my faults while trying to build something greater out of us both. If you’re still about f***ing b****es and gettin’ money then you should probably take a second to re-evaluate what you really plan on doing with your life. You can’t play the game forever, everyone retires sometime. I personally don’t want to end up like Favre all washed-up and wondering why noone takes me seriously anymore.
For once I actually got long-winded on a post and looking back now it feels more like a rant. My B. I’m just hoping that I got my point across at least once cause if I had to sum this all up in six words for all you laymen out there it would go a little something like this…
Step your fucking game up. Thanks.
Lilium…
I can’t commit to any of the women that I frequent and it’s not because I try to make a game out of it all. My fickle mind will switch just like the changing of the seasons and I’m prone to make mistakes when I Spring or if I Fall… The options are abundant and the love is always present, but I’m making a confession if I tell them that they’ll lose me. You have a pretty face, and an itty-bitty waist I guess it takes a little more out of a woman just to move me… Even if they end up closer and can see inside my chest and they can see all of my demons and the source of all these words… I still know that when it’s over they’ll already have another and the future that he promises is just what they deserve…
Okay look, I’m honest. Girl I can’t lie I miss you. You and the music were the only things that I commit to. I never cheated for the record back when I was with you. But you believed in everything but me, girl I don’t get you…
Sometimes…
I really wish it wasn’t so hard…
We were accomplices, you and I. A bond was formed that was otherworldly, and I have no hope of ever finding anything like it again in this life. When all is said and done, maybe everything is for the best afterall. I wonder how far you’ll fly without the ghosts weighing you down anymore. I never got the chance to tell you what was really going on in my head, but it’s better this way I think. I’ve withdrawn from the war between the sons of Mars.
But if you ever lose your strength, may you find it in the stars.
Promises and threats
How shaken do you have to be to take the time out of your day to hack someone three separate times just to send a message to them? I simply cant fathom why someone would go to those lengths just to feel superior, and/or alpha. Dogs shouldn’t run with wolves you say? Good thing I’d prefer to be a man and simply deal with my problems like everyone else. Whatever information could have been derived from whatever you stole doesn’t really amount to much of anything in reality. I know the truth about everything I’ve done, everyone I’ve spoken to, everything… so whether the espionage really served its purpose is still left to be decided. Because I simply don’t care. Whatever bad will eventually come, and we have to be prepared to weather every storm thrown our way.
It really just amazes me that two people that were seemingly so close can have so much of their relationship manipulated and influenced by other people that had no business ever being involved. I’m still in the dark about a lot of it. Too much of it entirely, and that’s probably what pisses me off more than anything. Ignorance is bliss they say, but not when you’re the one to blame for things that you weren’t privy to. In a small way I’m still waiting for the final closure, to get absolutely everything out in the open. With noone else involved or even knowing it happened for that matter. This love trapezoid you created is what tore us apart in the end, not some sly and shady plot that I was up to.
Sad that all he seems to care about is keeping me away from her, as if everything he’s done has improved his chances of ever succeeding where he’s always failed. I’m not trying to get close to her. I don’t need to. Once you reach a certain point you don’t really need to. He can be salty all he wants, but I’ve always got her with me, whether I want her there or not. Something about her is burned into the back of my mind, second guessing and judging all of my actions while voicing her disapproval into the confines of my head. For the longest time I’ve done everything in my power to drown it out, even though we both know better. I cherish more than I regret. And although she seems to think I haven’t learned anything, when my smoke-screen finally fades and I’m done throwing a tantrum, at the end of the day I still look up at the same stars each night and wonder. I guess some things never will change.
Whether his malice has created a rift between us that neither of us can cross, I don’t hold it against you. And I don’t have any regrets for anything. You still know me best. And even though you never took the time to even think to ask me about anything bothers the shit out of me, I accept every decision that you decide to make with your life. Including the one to abandon me like the rest. You were my dearest and closest friend, and at times I know full well that I wasn’t close to deserving that title; or you for that matter. Just know that when it all comes down, I get it.
And for the record, I’m the one that coined trollumblin’, don’t you dare forget that.
All things considered…
I’m happy to be free.
You aren’t the monster that you make yourself out to be. At least that’s the way it is whenever it comes to me. You don’t understand any of it, and that’s why it frustrates you so much. Everything is and always has been exactly the way I always said it was. Moods swing all the time like the changing of the season. I’m still sorry, but things always happen for a reason.
